Marriage is a serious business. That whole “’til death do us part” arrangement does not imply: “Hey, we’re in this because it’s fun!” It means: “We’re in this together—come hell or high water—and no one’s getting out ’til one of us dies!” 

If you’re in a bad marriage, you can feel stuck. Really, really stuck. But you have an awareness that when you utter the words, “I want a divorce,” the rug is suddenly pulled out from under you and you’re in a freefall. It’s a terrifying feeling that many women will go to great lengths to avoid. Unfortunately, if you’re in a bad marriage, the freefalling feeling is still happening—and though the decent is incremental and even imperceptible at times, if you take on a passive role, you’ll likely end up in the abyss.

So the question is, when relationship red flags come up and our need for trust, communication, kindness, compassion, boundaries, respect, attention, safety, and love are not being met, why do women stay? Well, after years of ignoring the red flags in my marriage, I learned firsthand that it’s usually due to one (or a combination) of the following reasons: 

‘Til Death Do Us Part

We’re back to that oath again! Usually, things start out well, and oftentimes you really do love each other. When you have a strong foundation, you tell yourself that love will conquer all. 

However, as we grow and change with the passing years, some couples grow together, while others, unfortunately, grow apart. Okay, so he’s not a great communicator. Okay, so he expects you to take on most of the household work. Okay, so he seems a bit distracted and disconnected. You’ve been told marriage is about compromise, so you compromise a little on your need for equality, integrity, and peace. 

Then there are the children. Children can complicate the picture immensely. Absolutely no one wants to be the bad guy and call things off because the guilt of breaking up your family will be on your shoulders—forever. So you find yourself placating, denying, and accepting things that you’re really not happy with until you’re like the violinists on the RMS Titanic, heroically playing music while the ship is slowly sinking.

Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem is another culprit. Oftentimes women become the accommodators in the family. They get so used to taking care of the picky eaters, the issues everyone else is dealing with, and being a cheerleader in their spouse’s career, all while putting their own ambitions on hold. They become the low man on the totem pole. 

That issue was particularly damaging for me in my own marriage. Being a writer was part of my personal and professional identity, and being in my husband’s shadow in his ascent as a screenwriter and producer caused me to lose faith in my own ability. When I went from being respected for my talent to being introduced at parties as “the writer’s wife,” my ego took a huge hit.

In these kinds of marriages, your confidence slowly chips away. You try to convince yourself that you’re okay with being second fiddle, that lots of marriages lose their spark, romance, and excitement. The bar gets lowered a little bit every year. Like an old shoe, you and your spouse are comfortable with each other. You can live with the mundane. But can you live with a bruised ego, a crushed spirit? How bad does bad have to look and feel before you decide you’re worth more? 

The answer to that question depends on your comparison level, or as Dr. Madeleine Fugère explains, the “standards” you set for yourself. If, for example, you have low self-esteem or consider yourself to be less attractive, then you tend to have lower standards. Consequently, you’ll probably stay in bad relationships because the low expectations you set for yourself are being met. Sound familiar?

Investment 

You’ve invested time, money, your heart and soul, and whether you’re two years or two decades into this marriage, it’s going to work, damn it! To justify the history you’ve created together, the sacrifices, the struggles, the scrimping and saving—the end result must feel satisfying—a win! No one looks at divorce as a win, right? So, despite the lack of returns on your investment, you gird your loins and stick it out even when it’s not in your best interest.

The financial considerations alone can be extremely daunting. If you live in an area like Los Angeles where the median price for a home is $650,000, you may already be struggling financially as a couple. Going it alone probably means downsizing to a much smaller place (and likely a less appealing neighborhood and school district), which will be challenging for you and your kids. These kinds of nitty-gritty considerations may make staying in a bad marriage feel much easier than leaving. 

The Devil You Know

Humans do not like change. I could quote any number of studies here, but I think you can relate to this universal truth. You’ve built a life for yourself, and as shaky as the foundation of that house feels at times, stepping out into the unknown can be very scary. 

If you’ve been married for decades, the whole concept of modern dating may strike fear and terror in your heart. The older we get in this youth-obsessed society, the thought of being “out there,” single again after so many years, is a frightening prospect. You may be imagining the angst of dating in your 20s coupled with the reality that you’ve gained some wisdom, pounds, inches, crow’s feet, and now you’re supposed to what—make yourself vulnerable on an app where people take one look and swipe left? It’s more than a little intimidating.

And what if you define yourself as being a wife and a mother? Divorcing your husband will feel like you’re also divorcing yourself. Who are you? Where will you fit in? It may be many years (decades even) since you’ve been single, and this is all you’ve known. Shared couple-friends and close connections with his side of the family may be lost. You worry you’ll be out in the cold with no support system. This is a big deal—especially for middle-aged women who might feel overwhelmed at the thought of starting over again.

Or what if you fear he’s having an affair and you’re ignoring every red flag, like the fact that he’s unreachable, he’s never where he should be, he’s often late with excuses that don’t add up, he’s distant, emotionally unavailable, and uninterested in sex—it’s incredibly upsetting to think that he might be seeing someone else. On the one hand, you want to know all the gory details; it’s a little like wanting to pig out and eat that entire, sizzling, cheesy pizza pie, knowing that when you finish, you’re going to feel sick. On the other, it’s easier to tell yourself that things will change—your partner will change—everything will get better if only you ignore all the warning signs and get on with the details of your day. 

In the movie Before Sunset, Ethan Hawke’s character, Jesse, talks about feeling vulnerable and lost: “I feel like if someone were to touch me, I’d dissolve into molecules.” I know that feeling well. I too got lost in my marriage. I felt trapped but didn’t know how to wrap my head around getting out. 

How to Break the Cycle

If your mantra of “well, at least he doesn’t hit me” or “maybe this is as good as it gets” isn’t feeling life-affirming, chances are you’re selling yourself short. If you find yourself in this situation, it definitely helps to reach out to friends and family. Simply saying out loud that your relationship is unhealthy and you’re unhappy makes it real. Moreover, acknowledging that you need help is an important first step toward helping you break the cycle, along with considering the following seven tips that were invaluable to my healing:

1. Get affirmation from family and friends that your relationship does not seem happy and healthy. 

2. Consider therapy if it’s in your financial wheelhouse. Investing in yourself will be the best investment you ever make. Explore issues in your childhood and in unresolved past relationships that are wounding your self-esteem and causing you to deny signs that your marriage is not working. 

3. Do some introspection to unpack the reasons you are staying. If you’re afraid of being alone, try to imagine the peace and comfort you might find in being on your own. Picture creating a space that reflects who you are, and imagine the solace you might find in not having to deal with toxic energy that is eroding your sense of self. 

4. Flex your intuition muscles. Trusting your intuition is like any other habit—the more you practice it, the stronger your intuitive muscle becomes. 

5. Stop and think about what red flags you’ve been ignoring. Write them down. Make them real. Ask yourself why you’re ignoring them. If it’s because you’re afraid to speak the truth out loud, maybe it’s time you do so. 

6. Take care of yourself and become comfortable with the idea that you matter, and that it’s okay to put yourself first. It feels great, and it’s a lot more stable than relying on someone else to complete you. 

7. Focus on the things you can control instead of focusing on your partner and how he might change. Pay attention to your behavior, and make choices that feel healthy for you and your family.

Whatever you decide to do, lean on your family and friends for support, and know that if you decide to confront your partner, you won’t dissolve into molecules, I promise. You’re taking control of the situation and you may just feel your feet beneath you for the first time in a long while.

Rebecca Cullen is a Los Angeles based essayist, screenwriter, and copywriter.  She started out as an assistant to the writers of Poltergeist and Marked for Death.  She then went on to sell original pilots, pitch jokes with Jimmy Caan, and has currently put her cynicism aside to write a romance for the Hallmark Channel. Rebecca is raising two extraordinary boys, Aidan and Beckett, and shares part-time custody of one confused dog, Buddy. She is a transplanted New Yorker living gluten-free in Southern California, except for key lime pie at the Galley.