My former spouse and I have been divorced for nearly a decade and have mastered the art of co-parenting. And I say “art” because that is exactly what it is. It has taken time, dedication, patience, and a delicate curation of emotions and expectations. The end result? A new partnership beyond my wildest dreams, and three well-adjusted teenage boys who have never had to witness the tragic, cruel, and selfish side of most divorces.

Early on, the two of us made promises to each other that laid the foundation for how we navigated our divorce: our children would always come first, and we would learn to co-parent like bosses. We now travel the world together as a family of five—and no, we aren’t sleeping together! I’m here to show you that it really is possible to create a dependable, loving, and successful co-parenting relationship with your former spouse.

When the Past is Prologue: Growing Up a Child of Divorce

I remember being 5 years old and listening to my parents yell at each other in the kitchen. I hid in my bedroom, blanketed by the fear and dread that comes when you listen to your parents fight. When it was over, my father came to me and gave me one of those old punch-ball balloon toys popular in the late 1970s. In my memory, he is both apologizing for the fight and saying goodbye. This is the only memory I have of my parents’ marriage. They divorced shortly after this fight, and my mother, brother, and I moved out of state, far from my father. 

The years following their divorce encompassed everything one typically imagines when thinking about divorce: fighting parents, angry family members, uncomfortable visitations, and poverty. It was torture for me as a child. My parents hated each other, my grandparents blamed the other parent, and everyone made their feelings known.

I grew up never knowing who was telling the truth. Was my father really that irresponsible and untrustworthy? Was my mother actually a liar? These questions swirled in my mind throughout my childhood, agonizingly nagging at me as I tried in vain to figure out which parent I was supposed to love more.

Learning from My Past: Breaking the Cycle of My Parents’ Bitter Divorce

Fast-forward a few decades to my own marriage. A marriage I believed would last a lifetime and would never end in divorce because, after all, I am nothing like my parents. Sound familiar? Well, twelve years into the marriage, much like the infamous meme—Surprise! Surprise! Guess who came knocking at the door? You guessed it. Divorce!

I think we can all agree that marriages don’t end in divorce for no reason. Certainly, no one wakes up one morning dreaming of divorce and its devastating effects. My divorce, like many others, was the result of a slow and unrealized buildup of immaturity, differing love languages, poor communication and conflict-resolution skills, and a lack of respect for one another and the marriage itself.

Eventually, resentment, bitterness, and toxicity ruled our daily lives. They became so deeply ingrained in our marriage that we no longer knew each other or recognized the once-powerful union we had. I could also add that marriage counseling entered the picture way too late, as is usually the case, but this is not a story about how to save a marriage; it is about what happens next.

What happens next when children are born of a once-enchanted love story is about their well-being—and eventually ours, too. For me, “what happens next” was about creating a safe space for our children to love both parents and feel secure knowing that we are still a family, unlike my childhood divorce experience.

What happens next is what I hope for you.

12 Essential Co-Parenting Tips

So how did my former spouse and I end up co-parenting like bosses and even traveling the world together (while sleeping in separate bedrooms)? Before I answer, let’s just be very real here. This did not happen overnight, and no, it was not easy. And yes, you can have this, too.

The first thing we did was commit to putting our differences and egos aside and putting our children first. Luckily, he knew the history of my parents’ bitter divorce and the impact it had on my childhood, and he was as committed as I was to doing whatever it took to give our boys the healthiest version of divorce we could.

From there, the following steps were invaluable in creating harmony and mutual respect in our co-parenting partnership. I hope you find them as helpful as I did:

1. Change the belief you have about what co-parenting is or can be. What you know about divorce and co-parenting is probably skewed by past experiences or horror stories you may have heard along the way. I’m here to tell you, there is another way! Is it easy? Not by any stretch. Can it be done? Absolutely.

2. What’s in a name? In his timeless play Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare famously suggests that a name is irrelevant and has no bearing on the person or thing it represents. I disagree. Technically, yes, we are “exes.” But while our marriage ended, our family did not. We still share two children, a history, countless memories, and the responsibility of raising our boys together. So while “ex” may accurately describe the end of our marriage, it doesn’t adequately describe the relationship we needed to build afterward.

For us, “former spouse” feels kinder and more respectful of what once was—and more reflective of what still is: two people committed to raising our boys together and maintaining a family relationship built on love and respect. So when we speak about one another to others, we both use the term “former spouse.”

3. Compartmentalize your dating life. Another promise my former spouse and I made to each other during our divorce was that we would not introduce our future boyfriends or girlfriends to our kids unless we were certain the relationship was serious and headed toward marriage. Yes, I know this one is going to be a gut punch to many, but it really helped us establish boundaries that benefited our kids and our changing relationship.

We didn’t want to put undue pressure on our kids to feel they had to “perform” for a new boyfriend or girlfriend, and we wanted to avoid creating feelings of jealousy or insecurity in our kids and in each other. Similarly, we avoided sharing the details of our dating lives with one another. By proceeding this way, we were making room for the respect we still had for one another while allowing each of us the privacy to move forward.

4. Set boundaries. There were many times early in our co-parenting journey when I had to remind my former spouse of the new boundaries I had established for my emotional well-being. Know what you need, and don’t be afraid to set boundaries—even if you had a hard time doing so during the marriage. Boundaries were crucial in helping us move beyond our anger and into a space of respect.

5. Stay geographically close to ease co-parenting logistics. Our children were young (9, 7, and 5) when we divorced. We shared custody, which meant a LOT of shuttling back and forth between homes, sports, scouts, school events—you know the drill. To make things easier for everyone and give our boys a stronger sense of community, we moved into homes just seven minutes apart.

6. 50/50 custody, if possible. Children need both parents. Of course, for various reasons, this isn’t always possible. But if you can, 50/50 custody can be a gift to everyone involved. Yes, it was tough for me not to have my boys with me at all times, but eventually, I learned to use those nights or weekends alone to my benefit. I spent the time focusing on my own well-being. To this day, I cherish alone time because it helps me deepen my understanding of who I am and what makes me happy. In return, I can present the most confident and loving version of myself to our kids.

7. Be flexible. Listen to the children and their requests. They are an integral part of the family structure and deserve to be heard, even if it means changing the custody schedule. My former spouse and I still have an agreed-upon schedule, but it has become more of a “guideline” than anything else. If the kids need one of us, we try to be there for them, regardless of “whose night” it may be. Sometimes that means having a night at the other parent’s house, free from siblings. That’s fine, too! This flexibility has created a feeling of security in our children, knowing that both parents (and homes) are always available to them.

8. Protect your kids from negative talk about your former spouse. I cannot express enough how important this is. As painful as your divorce may be, and as angry as you may feel toward your former spouse, try at all costs not to convey those feelings to your children. Likewise, don’t allow others, especially family members, to speak poorly about your former spouse in front of your children. Not only is it damaging to their psyche to hear negative talk about their parents, but it can also prevent you from developing a respectful co-parenting partnership, which, of course, is the end goal here.

9. Find and focus on the good things your former spouse brings to the table. Early in the post-divorce years, you may have to dig deep—and I mean deep, to find something positive to focus on. But remember, there were things you loved about them way back when. Is your former spouse reliable? Funny? A good parent? Responsible? Okay, do they at least brush their teeth every day? (I told you, sometimes you really have to dig.) Whatever it is, focus on the good over the negative. The more you do, the easier it will become to find more great qualities that will eventually benefit your co-parenting partnership.

10. Give grace. Every one of us needs it and deserves it. As much as grace is needed in a marriage, it is also needed in a strong, healthy co-parenting relationship. Giving grace allows for and forgives the mistakes that are inevitable when learning to navigate a newly formed co-parenting partnership. Grace also creates opportunities for growth and understanding along the journey.

11. Look for abundance in what you have in co-parenting. The more you appreciate the small things, the more abundant your life will be. Did your former spouse rock a decision-making process with you or one of your kids? That’s abundance! Did your former spouse show up for you or one of your kids when you or they needed it most? That’s abundance! Throughout the co-parenting journey, you will find your sense of abundance growing exponentially if you pause along the way to recognize it and be grateful for it.

12. Be patient and start small. This all takes time and commitment. Being divorced with children between you means you are bonded for life. Make it work for the long run by being patient. The co-parenting partnership is delicate and must be given time to grow and blossom. Eventually, you and your former spouse will be able to partake in small excursions or activities as a family.

Starting small will allow you and your children to begin visualizing what it looks and feels like to attend events together again. My former spouse and I started small by limiting our interactions to our kids’ sports and school events and their birthday parties. Over time, those small family activities grew to include weekends away in the mountains and evolved into something I never imagined—traveling the world together.

Final Thoughts

By embracing these tips, my former spouse and I have truly found our rhythm in co-parenting. Along the way, we’ve built a friendship rooted in mutual respect, a deep love for our children, and a commitment to giving them the healthiest version of divorce we possibly can.

Wherever we go, and in nearly every conversation, people ask us how we made it work. They’re not used to seeing divorce and co-parenting done this way, and that’s because we never accepted the idea that it had to be messy or bitter. With compassion, patience, and a willingness to reframe what’s possible, you, too, can build a co-parenting dynamic rooted in decency and respect.

As we near our 50s, we feel grounded, happy, connected, and proud of the foundation we’ve built for our children and the partnership we continue to honor. After so many years of needless contention, I welcome whatever goodness the future holds for each of us, and I wish the same for you.

Kelly McOmber is a New Jersey based school leader, educator, and writer. With a Master’s Degree in Educational Leadership, Kelly has been serving the children and families of her local community in public education for over 20 years. Above all, Kelly loves experiencing life with her extraordinary boys; Warren, Andrew, and James, who are the heart and soul of everything she does. Raised in Wisconsin, Kelly embraces her Midwestern roots by rescuing fur-babies, raising backyard feathered friends for fresh eggs, and finding peace in the woods whenever she can.