My former spouse (FS) and I have been divorced for nearly a decade and have mastered the art of co-parenting. And I say ART because that is exactly what it is. It has taken time, dedication, patience, and a delicate curation of emotions and expectations. The end result? A new friendship and partnership beyond my wildest dreams, and three well-adjusted teenage boys who have never had to witness the tragic, cruel, and selfish reality of most divorces.
My FS and I made promises to each other that have shaped the way we handled and managed our divorce in order to put our children first, and co-parent like BOSSES. We now travel the world together as a family of 5, and no, we aren’t sleeping together! I’m here to show you that it is actually possible to create a dependable, loving, and successful co-parenting partnership with your former spouse.
Learning from My Past
I remember being 5 years old and listening to my parents yell at each other in the kitchen. I hid in my bedroom, blanketed by the fear and dread that comes when you listen to your parents fight. When it was over, my father came to me and gave me one of those old punch-ball balloon toys popular in the late 1970s. In my memory, he is both apologizing for the fight and saying goodbye. This is the only memory I have of my parents’ marriage. They divorced shortly after this fight, and my mother, brother, and I moved out of state, far from my father.
The years following their divorce encompassed everything one typically thinks of when imagining divorce: fighting parents, angry family members, uncomfortable visitations, and poverty. It was torture for me as a child. My parents hated each other, my grandparents blamed the other parent, and everyone made their feelings clear. I grew up never knowing who was telling the truth: Was my father really that irresponsible and untrustworthy? Was my mother actually a liar? These questions swirled in my mind throughout my childhood and agonizingly nagged at me as I tried in vain to successfully navigate “which parent I should love more?”
Fast forward a few decades to my own marriage. A marriage I believed would last a lifetime and would never end in divorce because, after all, I am NOTHING like my parents! Sound familiar? Well, twelve years into the marriage, much like the infamous meme—Surprise! Surprise! Guess who came knocking at the door? You guessed it. Divorce!
I think we can all agree that marriages don’t end in divorce for no reason. Certainly, no one wakes up one morning dreaming of a divorce and its devastating effects. My divorce, like many, was birthed from a slow, and mostly unrealized, buildup of immaturity, differing love languages, poor communication and conflict-resolution skills, and a lack of respect for one another and the marriage itself.
Eventually, resentment, bitterness, and toxicity ruled our daily lives and became so deeply ingrained in our marriage, we no longer knew each other, nor recognized the once powerful union we had. I could also add here that marriage counseling entered the picture way too late, as is usually the case, but this is not a story about how to save a marriage; it is about what happens next. What happens next when children are born of a once-enchanted love story is about their well-being (and eventually ours, too!). For me, “what happens next” was about creating a safe space for children to love both parents and to feel secure knowing we are still a family, unlike my childhood divorce experience.
What happens next is what I hope for you.
Essential Co-Parenting Tips
So how did my FS and I end up co-parenting like bosses and even traveling the world together (while sleeping in separate bedrooms)? Before I answer, let’s just be very real here. This did not happen overnight, and no, it was not easy. And, yes, you can have this, too.
The first thing we did was commit to putting our differences and egos aside, and putting our children first. Luckily, my FS knew the history of my parents’ bitter divorce and the impact it had on my childhood, and was as committed as I was to doing whatever it took so our boys would have the healthiest version of divorce we could give them. After that, the following steps were invaluable in attaining harmony and respect in our co-parenting partnership. I hope you find them as helpful as I did.
Change the belief you have about what co-parenting is or can be. What you know about divorce and co-parenting is probably skewed by past experiences or horror stories you may have heard along the way. I’m here to tell you, there is another way! Is it easy? Not by any stretch. Can it be done? Absolutely.
What’s in a name? In his timeless play Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare suggests that naming things is irrelevant and has no worth or meaning. I disagree. For me, “Ex” symbolizes the end, that with which nothing else can or will be. On the contrary, “former spouse” feels kinder, softer, and carries with it a reverence for the marriage that once was founded on love, hope, and dreams. Therefore, I chose early on to use “FS” instead of “Ex.” Soon, we both began using the term when speaking about one another to others.
Compartmentalize your dating life. Another promise my FS and I made to each other during our divorce was that we would not introduce our future boyfriends or girlfriends to our kids, unless we were sure it was going to end in a new marriage. Yes, I know this one is going to be a gut-punch to many, but it really helped with establishing boundaries that we knew would benefit our kids and our changing relationship.
We didn’t want to put undue pressure on our kids to feel they had to “perform” for the new BF/GF, and we wanted to avoid feelings of jealousy or insecurity in our kids and each other. Similarly, we also avoided sharing details of our dating lives with one another. In proceeding this way, we were really holding space for the respect we have for one another.
Set boundaries. There were many times early in our co-parenting journey that I had to remind my FS of the new boundaries I had set for my emotional well-being. Know what you need and don’t be afraid to set boundaries – even if you had a hard time doing so in the marriage. Boundaries were crucial in helping us move out of our anger and into a space of respect.
Stay geographically close to ease co-parenting logistics. Our children were young (9, 7, and 5) when we divorced. We shared custody of them, which meant a LOT of shuttling back and forth between homes—and sports, scouts, school events, you know the drill. To make things easier for us and for our boys to have a stronger sense of community, we moved into homes 7 minutes apart.
50/50 custody, if possible. Children need both parents. Of course, for various reasons, this isn’t always possible. But if you can, 50/50 will be a gift to everyone involved. Yes, it was tough for me not to have my boys with me at all times, but eventually I learned to use those nights or weekends alone to my benefit. I spent the time focusing on my own well-being. To this day, I cherish alone time because it helps me deepen my understanding of who I am and what makes me happy. In return, I present the most confident and loving version of myself to our kids.
Be flexible. Listen to the children and their requests. They are an integral part in the family structure and deserve to be heard, even if it means changing the custody schedule. My FS and I still have an agreed-upon schedule, but it has become more of a “guideline” than anything else. If the kids need one of us, we try to be there for them, regardless of “whose night” it may be. Sometimes that means having a night at the other parent’s house, free from siblings. That’s fine too! This flexibility has created a feeling of security in our children knowing both parents (and homes) are always available to them.
Protect your kids from negative talk about your FS. I cannot express enough how important this is. As painful as your divorce may be, and as angry as you may feel toward your FS, try at all costs not to convey this to your children. Likewise, don’t allow others, especially family members, to speak poorly about your FS in front of your children. Not only is it damaging to their psyche to hear negative talk about their parents, but it will also prevent you from developing a respectful co-parenting partnership, which, of course, is the end goal here.
Find and focus on the good things your FS brings to the table. Early in the post-divorce years you may have to dig deep—and I mean deep, to find something positive to focus on. But remember, there were things you loved about them way-back-when. Is your FS reliable? Funny? A good parent? Responsible? Ok, do they at least brush their teeth everyday? (I told you sometimes you really have to dig). Whatever it is, focus on the good over the negative. The more you do, the easier it will be to find more great qualities that will eventually benefit your co-parenting partnership.
Give grace. Everyone of us needs it and deserves it. As much as grace is needed in a marriage, it is also needed in a strong, healthy co-parenting relationship. Giving grace allows for and forgives mistakes that are inevitable when learning to navigate a newly formed co-parenting partnership. Grace also invites opportunities for growth and understanding along the journey.
Look for abundance in what you have in co-parenting. The more you appreciate the small things, the more abundant your life will be. Did your FS rock a decision-making process with you or one of your kids? That’s abundance! Did your FS show up for you or one of your kids when you or they needed it most? That’s abundance! Throughout the co-parenting journey, you will find your level of abundance growing exponentially if you give pause along the way to recognize it and be grateful for it.
Be patient and start small. This all takes time and commitment. Being divorced with children between you, means you are bonded for life. Make it work for the long run by being patient. The co-parenting partnership is delicate and must be given time to grow and blossom. Eventually, you and your FS will be able to partake in small excursions or activities as a family.
Starting small will allow you and your children to begin visualizing what it looks and feels like to attend events together again. My FS and I started small by limiting our interaction to our kids’ sports and school events, and their birthday parties. Over time, those small family activities grew to include weekends away in the mountains and have evolved to something I never imagined—traveling the world together.
Final Thoughts
By embracing these tips, my former spouse and I have truly found our rhythm in co-parenting. Along the way, we’ve built a friendship rooted in mutual respect, a deep love for our children, and a commitment to giving them the healthiest version of divorce we possibly can.
Wherever we go, and in nearly every conversation, people ask us how we made it work. They’re not used to seeing divorce and co-parenting done this way, and that’s because we never accepted the idea that it had to be messy or bitter. With compassion, patience, and a reframing of “what can be,” you too can build a co-parenting dynamic rooted in decency and compassion.
As we near our 50s, we feel grounded, happy, connected, and proud of the foundation we’ve built for our children and for the partnership we continue to honor. After so many years of needless contention, I welcome whatever goodness the future holds for each of us, and I wish the same for you.
Kelly McOmber is a New Jersey based school leader, educator, and writer. With a Master’s Degree in Educational Leadership, Kelly has been serving the children and families of her local community in public education for over 20 years. Above all, Kelly loves experiencing life with her extraordinary boys; Warren, Andrew, and James, who are the heart and soul of everything she does. Raised in Wisconsin, Kelly embraces her Midwestern roots by rescuing fur-babies, raising backyard feathered friends for fresh eggs, and finding peace in the woods whenever she can.