Most marriages will need a little or a lot of assistance to work through issues at some point during their life span. If you’re married or have ever been in a long-term, committed relationship, you know how hard relationships can be. There are common issues that most couples face, such as poor communication, lack of intimacy, parenting differences, financial struggles, deep-seated resentments, disappointments, and infidelity—to name just a few.
There are also seasons that are especially trying for couples, such as midlife when they will likely face another set of challenges, like coping with a rebellious teen, caring for aging parents, or managing health issues, all of which can create more stress than anyone can or should handle on their own. Seasons like this often need the help of an unbiased and trained professional to help couples navigate these stressful times.
The following Q&A with Dr. Lesley Goth, an expert in the field of marriage counseling, should bring greater understanding on the role of couples counseling and help you to see that if you’re thinking about it, it might be time to give it a try.
Silly question, but what is couples counseling?
Couples counseling is a type of psychotherapy that focuses on the couple, not the individual. It’s a treatment where couples can talk and share in a safe space and work through their specific issues. The therapist will use a variety of interventions to assist, teach, and guide you into the relationship you desire. It entails a willingness for both partners to be open and honest so the therapist can truly help you. Without honesty, the therapist will have his or her hands tied, and not be able to offer the fullest benefit of your time and money. Initially, the therapist may want to meet with you individually to get a complete history. After that, the goal is to meet as a couple and work on the issues and dynamics hindering your relationship.
Who provides couples counseling and is it covered by insurance?
Seeking the guidance of a trusted therapist can be daunting if you’re used to handling things on your own or keeping things private. Taking this first step is brave and does take work, but let me assure you, it can be life changing for your relationship. Finding a therapist can be done through a referral from your doctor, looking online at sites like psychologytoday.com, or asking friends or family. I recommend looking for a therapist who is trained to work specifically with couples.
A couple’s therapist is credentialed to provide counseling and has either a masters or doctorate degree. They need to be currently licensed in your state or under the supervision of someone who is licensed in your state. It’s also good to know that some insurances cover the cost of couples counseling, at least in part, and some therapists offer a free consultation to let you decide if they’re the right fit.
I’m nervous. What can I expect in couples counseling?
A couple’s therapist will meet with you and get an idea of your specific issues and goals. Once the goals are established, the therapist will provide interventions to help you understand the dynamics hindering your relationship and how each of you plays into the struggle. It takes two to tango, so don’t go into counseling assuming either of you is “right” all the time.
Clear communication and knowing how to listen to each other are extremely important. I know you “hear” each other, but do you know how to “listen”? This is a skill that must be learned. Poor communication also stems from not knowing how to express oneself. Words are powerful, especially when emotions are intense. Learning how to express your feelings without blame or shame is critical in this process.
Will couples counseling save my marriage?
Going to couples counseling can be very beneficial; however, it’s not a guarantee that it will save your marriage. You must be willing to implement the interventions the therapist is recommending. Remember, you’re seeking a professional because your marriage needs help. If you could’ve fixed the issues on your own, you would have.
What are the signs that my marriage is headed for divorce?
According to Dr. John Gottman, relationship expert and author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, there are four indicators, called the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and any one that shows up in your marriage could be a sign of doom. Here are the four things to look for and get immediate help with if you notice them in your relationship:
- Criticism: Are you critical and put your partner down? Do you demean, blame or belittle your partner? If you start your sentences with “you,” you may be more critical than you think. For example, “You didn’t take out the garbage. What’s up with that?” versus, “I noticed you didn’t take out the garbage, is everything okay?”
- Defensiveness: Are you or your partner defensive, which means you feel attacked and need to always fight back?
- Stonewalling: Do you or your partner shut down the conversation when it’s not going well? Do either of you walk out of the room or ignore each other?
- Contempt: This is where either of you has gotten to a place of intense dislike or even hatred toward each other. The words you use and your tone is angry, mean, or even vicious toward your partner.
Any one of these signs could mean your relationship is on high alert. Luckily, there is hope. Each one of these red flags has antidotes that you can learn more about in therapy. These warning signs indicate that your marriage is in big trouble, and unless you don’t want to end up a statistic, please seek help and learn how to reconnect and love your partner all over again.
What do the statistics say about us Generation Xers?
Most couples I see in my office have been married for over 15 years and need help with one of those four horsemen. Or, some are on their second or third marriage and struggling to either blend their families or resolve past issues creeping into the current relationship. Baby boomers have the highest divorce rate. Typically, they get married very young and are more apt to grow apart over the years. This age group also tends to have more stigma against seeking therapy than the younger generations. As a result, getting help is not the norm for them so more couples end up parting ways.
On the other hand, you’ll be glad to know that Generation X and Millennials have a lower divorce rate. Both groups tend to wait longer before getting married and are more established in their careers when they do, which suggests that waiting positively impacts relationship success. In my experience, men tend to be more resistant to counseling, while women are the ones who pursue counseling and a desire to fix or re-establish a connection with their partner. Interestingly, women are also more likely to initiate a midlife divorce.
What should I do if my partner is resistant to counseling?
The best way to get a resistant partner to counseling is to encourage, not be critical or threatening. Ultimatums are not productive, and being critical only creates more hazards to the relationship. Approach your partner with “I statements” and tell them that it would mean a lot to you if they joined you in counseling. Let them know that the relationship means a lot to you, and you’d like to find ways to make it better and for you both to be happy.
Counseling may seem like a daunting task, but there are benefits that I always present to my clients whether they end up staying together or not. My job is not to make sure the marriage is saved. My job is to ensure the couple understands the issues, has the tools to communicate effectively and a safe space to figure out what they need to do to have a successful and loving relationship.
What are the benefits of couples counseling?
Whether your marriage or relationship works out, couples counseling still has benefits, and it won’t be a waste of time or money. Here are the benefits:
- A deeper understanding of your triggers and unhealthy responses.
- Tools to communicate and be less reactive but more productive.
- Tools to connect and engage that are mutually beneficial either with your current relationship or a relationship down the road.
- A renewed sense of connection and commitment that perhaps got lost over time.
- Improved intimacy and love.
Hopefully, you have the necessary information to make informed decisions about couples counseling and what to expect. Nobody wants to be a statistic. Everyone wants a healthy and fulfilling relationship that stands the test of time, and no one is immune from needing added support now and then. Ultimately, the lasting benefits of couples counseling far outweigh the momentary discomforts of seeking help.
Lesley Goth, PsyD has been in private practice since 2004 as a clinical psychologist. She is an expert in the field of Trauma, Anxiety, Depression, and Couples Counseling. Lesley is a professional blogger, writer, and speaker. She is excited to be working on her first book teaching other therapists how to be good therapists. If you’d like to read more of Lesley’s personal journey through menopause, check out her blogs here.
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