A teen girl is convinced her mom doesn’t understand her life. Her mother thinks she’s being overly dramatic and unreasonable. They’re probably both right.
In an ideal world, mothers and their teen daughters would “get” each other. After all, they share so many similar experiences, right? But maybe that’s exactly where the problems begin—especially when you throw in a whirlwind of hormones that can send all logic and reason in the house right out the window.
As a young girl matures, her body increases estrogen production, and puberty follows. At the same time, most teenage girls are facing stressors at school, experiencing crushes, getting used to their rapidly changing bodies, and adjusting to their new sexual selves. All the while, her brain is still developing, and she’s tasked with becoming an adult, which means she’s hard at work trying to challenge and separate from her parents.
Meanwhile, mothers in their 40s and 50s have their own hormonal upheavals to contend with. For those in perimenopause, estrogen and progesterone levels are all over the place. This imbalance can contribute to an array of uncomfortable symptoms, such as hot flashes, brain fog, mood swings, along with several health risks. Combine this with the painful rejection a mom might feel from her distant, adolescent daughter, and it’s clear: mom’s plate is more than full.
While these stages in teenage and adult female development are normal, they’re typically not very fun. Ideally, the human body is balanced; Chinese medicine refers to this as yin and yang. This allows bodies to function optimally and for individuals to manage their emotions better. If this balance can be challenging on a good day, it can be nearly impossible during the complex hormonal shifts of puberty and perimenopause.
Emotional Triggers
Raising our daughters may also include psychological triggers for moms. As children grow, we reflect more on how our parents raised us and any difficult parts of our lives at that age. Mothers can be triggered by their own complicated childhood histories. For some, a daughter can represent a constant threat that she’ll repeat every bad choice she made as a young adult.
A teen daughter can also be a painful reminder of every lost opportunity or dream deferred. As each generation does better than the next, a daughter may be living the life her mother always wanted. While she may be grateful (and even a bit jealous) that the world is opening up for her daughter, it may feel like it’s closing in on the middle-aged mom.
And in a painful reversal, a mother in midlife may feel increasingly more invisible as her daughter’s teen body takes center stage and blossoms into the shapely figure she once had. Like Dorothy quipped in a famous line from The Golden Girls: “At that age, you don’t even have to be pretty, and you’re pretty.”
If these scenarios seem a bit discouraging or all too true, there’s still hope. While it’s unrealistic to expect smooth sailing through your daughter’s teenage years, there are strategies that can help you cope. Here are some to help you minimize the drama, deal with your own triggers, and keep your relationship intact in the long run.
Keep a Positive Ratio of Approval
When children are small, we praise them as much as possible: “You’re so good at drawing dragons!” “The important thing is that you tried.” “You’re just as smart as any other kid.”
Sometimes adults forget that teens can be impressionable and need encouragement, too. Constant reminders to finish chores, improve grades, and spend less time on the phone can come across as nagging, disappointment, and even dislike.
While it’s essential to reinforce the importance of responsibility, these talks may go over better when combined with more recognition of the positives. Find things about your teen that you are sincerely proud of and make a point to mention them. This should further your goal of forging a responsible adult while allowing communication with your teen to go more smoothly.
Decrease the Pressure
Teens today seem to have the world on their shoulders at 16. Pressure from parents to excel in school, sports, extracurricular activities, and household responsibilities can make them feel like they’ll end up living under a bridge if they make one mistake.
Although teens may act cool about it on the surface, the pressure to be perfect often weighs on them. They may start to feel that success in life is more important to parents than their happiness, which could lead to more defensiveness.
What to do? Teach a balance of leisure and responsibility. And model this yourself. Make wellness and self-care a priority, if even for no other reason than you want your children to do the same as adults.
Talk More Openly
A teen might notice that her mom no longer shares her tampons or that she spends more time with the tweezers. However, she’s unlikely to know much about the hormonal changes of menopause affecting mom—like the mood swings both she and her teen daughter are experiencing.
Just like with younger children, parents often assume teens will figure things out on their own. The problem is they usually end up drawing wrong conclusions. If you feel comfortable in your relationship, consider sharing more than you might with a younger child. While you don’t have to give your teen all the sordid details, let her know that women your age struggle with similar hormonal issues.
Also, share some of your life stories—not just the cautionary tales. Tell her about your hopes and dreams or the project you’ve been working on. Or share what you hated most in high school and some of your teenage struggles. Your willingness to be open and honest with her may encourage her to open up about her life experiences, too.
Get Support for Yourself
Middle age often brings the well-known sandwiching of caring for the generations before and after us. If you’re not running your teenager around town or making sure your aging parents are safe, you’re likely dealing with increased job expectations. To add to that, if you’re the first of your circle to hit menopause, or a friend says she’s barely even noticed “the change,” then you may start to feel a bit crazed and all alone in this experience.
For all these reasons, having a support system can make a big difference. It may be helpful to meet with a formal or informal like-minded group or a professional counselor experienced in menopause care.
Imagine Your Own Future
Surviving menopause and raising teenagers is just one stage of a woman’s life. This doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult or even heart-wrenching at times. However, it’s not the end. Your growing teenager may be a sign that it’s time to focus more on yourself.
Many success stories start in their 40s and 50s. Even if you don’t want to become the next Arianna Huffington, it may be the first time in your life that you can try new things just for fun. When you start having more time, explore the hobby you always wanted to do, enroll in a class, or take up yoga.
As with other parts of parenting, there’s no right way to raise or patiently tolerate pre-teens and teenage daughters. If you’re lucky, she’ll eventually recognize and acknowledge the difficulties you have faced together. If she doesn’t, take heart, she’ll be sure to learn it from your perspective soon enough.
Jennie Lannette, LCSW, is a licensed therapist and professional mental health writer. She specializes in treating trauma, PTSD, and relationship struggles. Multiple sites have featured her writing, including Medium and Psychology Today.
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