Think back to what you were doing at 21. Maybe you were dancing at clubs or cramming for college exams. Or were you still enjoying the benefits of living at home with somebody else paying the bills? Not me. I celebrated my 21st birthday as a newlywed, drinking sparkling cider and promptly throwing it up thanks to severe morning sickness. Six months later, I had my first daughter.
While most of my friends were up all night partying and “popping bottles,” my sleepless nights consisted of changing diapers and fixing baby bottles. My friends would share their stories about coming home after a wild night out and sleeping the day away; meanwhile, I was up at the crack of dawn dropping my baby off with her grandma so I could race off to work. It wasn’t long before I found myself pregnant with my second daughter and making the first of many attempts to leave a toxic marriage.
When I finally did make the break, I felt an enormous sense of relief and an equally enormous sense of responsibility. Parenting teenage girls as a single mother proved more challenging than I ever imagined. At times, the three of us shared moments of great solace in a home free of marital strife, and at others, it was all-out war—I’m talking laryngitis-inducing shouting matches replete with ultimatums, slamming doors, and the occasional flying hair brush. But no matter what went down between us, we always had each other’s back.
No time could have made that any clearer than when I was diagnosed with cancer. I was 37 years old at the time and had to undergo several surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, and way too many procedures while still working full-time and managing our home. To my surprise, my daughters stepped up and showed me an inner strength that was truly inspirational. Despite my inexperience as a young mother, my tumultuous marriage and divorce, and the long hours I worked to make ends meet, I had done a pretty good job raising my girls after all.
After surviving my battle with cancer, we shook the dust off our feet and settled into a new normal. It’s funny how the busyness of life helps you heal from a close call with death. Our schedules were jam-packed between sports, work, friends, and boyfriends, and there were days when I barely even saw my girls. But I still knew they were there, and often, I would get up in the middle of the night to quietly peek in on them. Seeing them sleeping peacefully and knowing that my whole world was safe and sound under one roof was the most comforting feeling a mother could have.
But, of course, nothing lasts forever, and by the time they reached their 20s, both had moved out and I was alone for the first time in my life. I mean truly and completely alone. Like turn the music up, run around naked, and have a cocktail while you get ready alone. Of all the transitions I’ve experienced, going from complete chaos to total calm has been the biggest one yet. One minute everyone was clamoring for my time and attention, and the next, no one was paying me the time of day.
Those first quiet days felt like torture. The stillness of the house was an eerie and unfamiliar experience made worse by the early onset of menopause. An unfortunate consequence of my cancer treatments, menopause was the last thing I expected in my early 40s, but then again, cancer wasn’t something I had planned on either. So, inasmuch as my hot flashes and night sweats had me crawling up the walls, I put it in perspective and decided to make the best of my new life as an empty nester.
Spreading My Wings
Now that the adjustment period is behind me, you may be wondering what I do with my free time. Well, for starters, I’m not crying about how much I miss the girls anymore. Let’s face it, as parents, isn’t this what we want for our kids? We spend their whole lives teaching them how to fly, so when they finally do take flight, we have to take heart and trust they’ll soar without us. Sure, you’ll have some sleepless nights and there’s no question you’ll miss them like crazy, but it should be a joyous and transformative time in both their lives and ours.
After mine flew the coop, I quit my career of 21 years to pursue my passion of working for a non-profit. I began to say yes to everything I had said no to before, like packing my bags on a whim and hitting the road with no destination in mind or going to wine tastings or escape rooms and Warriors games (my biggest love besides my kids). I’m often the third wheel on outings with my girlfriends and their husbands, and guess what? It doesn’t bother me one bit. As for my love life, I go out on dates if I want, but I also don’t mind staying home and binge-watching true crime if I feel like it. My new philosophy these days is to just go with it!
Today, my girls are in loving, committed relationships and working to support themselves while pursuing their studies in school. They are exactly the adults I had hoped they would grow up to be, and I couldn’t be prouder. There are days when I’m totally amazed at how I raised two actual human beings! How awesome I had this extraordinary opportunity to give my daughters the tools they needed to be independent, resilient, and strong—and most especially, to enjoy every precious moment this life has to offer. That might be the single most important lesson I taught them.
I have lived to see my girls thank me for everything they used to hate me for. Not a day goes by that one or both of them isn’t face-timing me to show me their dogs, tell me about their day, or simply say hello. As I sink into this new phase of life, I often reflect on the long, uphill journey that got me here: surviving cancer, a brutal divorce, losing my mom, changing my career, breaking off a long-term relationship, and raising two daughters on my own. I could look at each of these challenges as setbacks, but I choose to see them as blessings.
Every difficult passage has given me greater resolve to embrace life head-on and brought new people and experiences my way that I would not have had otherwise. I wouldn’t trade the wisdom and self-awareness I gained for anything. I am truly living my best life and can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. But until then, I intend to enjoy every minute of today, which will probably end with my adult girls popping over for a glass of wine and a moment to chat in my not-so-empty, empty nest.
Erica Williamson is a Golden State Warriors fan-atic and escape room enthusiast who loves volunteering and being outdoors. When Erica isn’t busy as the Director of Community Engagement for a local children’s non-profit, she enjoys spending time with her adult daughters, their boyfriends, and all four of her “grand-puppies.” As a recent empty nester, Erica fills her extra time indulging in hobbies she never had time for, like binge-watching true crime, catching up on all her favorite mystery authors, taking fun fitness classes, and drinking wine with friends.