Life can feel overwhelming and chaotic. We can feel as if we’re being pulled in a million different directions with the demands of work, caring for our children, and holding the strands of our lives together. On top of that, many middle-aged women are tasked with becoming the caretaker of their parents, sometimes with or without help from siblings or other relatives—bringing home the realization that we’re not quite the one-woman show we used to be anymore.
Unfortunately, far too many women feel stuck, trapped in situations like this where asking for help or saying no feels uncomfortable—even impossible for them. So, they continue to juggle the competing priorities of their lives at the cost of not making themselves one. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way. There are steps you can take to help you break away from those all-too-familiar patterns. Although this process will take some getting used to, in time you’ll learn to say a guilt-free no to others and a life-changing yes to yourself.
Take First Steps to Value Your Own Well-Being
Like all change, we start with the first step to acknowledge that the situation has to change and that we can only change ourselves; not our partners, kids, siblings, or parents—only ourselves. The second step is recognizing that we must take care of ourselves. If we don’t, there won’t be any part of us left to care for others.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that if you step back to take some time for yourself, everything around you might fall apart. Maybe so, but you’ll be surprised to see how others rise to the occasion when you stop toeing the line. It’s absolutely essential that we take the first steps to value ourselves if we ever expect others to value us.
Set Boundaries and Communicate Expectations
A lot of women struggle with boundary setting, especially with saying no. At work, it might feel that if we say no, we will lose an opportunity for growth that we’ve fought so hard for. At home, if we ask someone else to complete a task instead of just doing it ourselves, it might mean it won’t be done to our liking or completed in a timely fashion. These things might be true, but it is also true that we can’t manage everything in our lives—at least not without running ourselves to the ground.
Asking for help is part of setting boundaries. We don’t have to be superhumans; it’s acceptable just to be human because that is what we are. We only have so much bandwidth, and it’s okay to ask for help and set limits on what you’re willing to do. Clear and respectful communication is also a part of boundary setting, along with stating your expectations. Unspoken expectations are a disaster waiting to happen. Often we become angry because we assume the other person will complete a particular task, but if communication hasn’t occurred, how will they know what’s expected of them?
I encourage you to start setting boundaries in small ways. It might be not agreeing to take on extra work. It might be walking away from the office for your lunch break and only checking work emails once you return. It might be considering more age-appropriate chores for your children, asking your sibling or a relative to help with parental care for a few hours, hiring a caretaker, or exploring the possibility of respite care. Just setting aside time to determine your options sets a boundary, helping you to identify the idea that you deserve “me time” and allowing you to make it a priority.
Challenge Your Thinking and Validate Your Feelings
Our brains are miraculous and capable of extraordinary feats, including multitasking, self-reflection, and problem-solving—sometimes all at the same time! Our brains are also built based on our life experiences and their interpretation of the world. We all have unique perspectives on life, and our ability to use that perspective can be impacted if we get stuck thinking in a certain way.
Challenging our thinking means examining and observing our thoughts and not accepting them simply because we have them. Sometimes our thoughts are illogical such as, “I don’t deserve me time.” Other times they are fueled by emotions like, “I feel so guilty when I ask for help.” Consider the practice of recognizing your experience while simultaneously not agreeing with the content of your thoughts, a process in psychology called validation.
Begin to validate your feelings and reframe the conversation in your head. For example, you might say: “It’s so hard for me to take care of myself, but without taking some me time, I know I’ll burn out.” Or you might say: “Asking for help has always been so hard for me; I also know I really need to take a break.” By utilizing validation, you practice self-kindness and train your brain to slow down, reflect more, and be less reactive. This is a process, but hopefully, the more you practice validating your thoughts and challenging unhelpful thinking, the more compassion and kindness you can have toward yourself.
Practice Self-Care
Take a break, even if it’s in a small way. Go to bed early to get more sleep, eat a piece of chocolate, take a walk, soak in the tub, slow down and connect to your breath. So often we think of being kind and considerate of others, but we don’t know how to practice caring for ourselves. Practicing self-care means carving out time to do the things that bring you a sense of physical and emotional well-being.
However, if you continue to struggle and need support, consider exploring therapy as an option. A non-judgmental, neutral person trained to listen can be a powerful resource. There are also support numbers you can call to connect with volunteers that are present to help you and others in need.
Final Thoughts
It might feel uncomfortable putting yourself first but consider the alternative. Increased anxiety, stress, resentment, and burnout are among the likely consequences you’ll experience, not to mention the poor example you’ll set for others. Unless you recognize your own self-worth and the need to practice self-care, the people closest in your life—your children, partners, family, and friends—will never know what it truly means to value you or themselves.
Dr. Erin Miers is a clinical psychologist who currently works at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center where she provides clinical services, consultation, supervision, and teaches at Geisel School of Medicine at Dartmouth University. She completed her doctorate through the California School of Professional Psychology in San Francisco. She has expertise in the areas of trauma, substance use disorder, HIV, and working with the LGBTQIA+ population. Her research interests include the impact of burnout on mental health providers, discrimination and internalized stigma generally, but also specifically in people living with HIV.
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